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Where I hope for some new Instagram filters

by John on February 1st, 2012
Sir Shiny Scalp

If you know me in real life, you know that there’s a greater chance to catch me without pants than without my iPhone1. I like to keep the iPhone handy for a plethora of reasons . . . I’m, technically, “always on call” for work emergencies. Sometimes, I know of a particularly evil play with Words With Friends and I need to take a look at any game that it’s my turn, just in case that play is available to me. Sometimes, Angry Birds needs to be played. And you never know when Momma Kiss is going to post something truly profound.

Now, with my iPhone always in-hand, I get a little bit giddy whenever I see that there’s an application update available2. First, I hope it’s an update to Skype, because my involvement with the Write On Edge team is, almost exclusively, done through Skype Chat . . . and Skype Chat, on the iPhone, is horrible. So, I hope that, someone, did something to make it better, so that I can chat with the smart, sexy, and sassy ladies that make up Write on Edge3 throughout the day. But, that never happens.

Next, though, I hope for Instagram updates . . . because I big-puffy-<3 Instagram. Do you not know Instagram? You must not have an iPhone . . . it's a silly little application that lets you take a picture, apply a filter and/or an effect to that picture (to make said picture look amazeballs), and then save it as if it were a Polaroid, with a square aspect ratio. It's a LOT of fun, but I'm always hoping for more. So, here are some of the filters that I think Instagram needs to introduce in it's next release:

  • Zit Removing. I’m a firm believer in The Twitter Rule: if you get a haircut, if you get a tattoo, or if you get something pierced, you must post pictures. Well, I also like taking pictures of myself because I like it when people like my smile. Anyway – I got my first zit when I was 11 or 12, and I have never, ever been zit-free since. It would truly be great if Instagram could just clean up my pepperoni pizza face for me.
  • Decluttering. I take a lot of pictures of my kids . . . a lot. It sure would be great if Instagram could just, you know, get rid of any mess in the background . . . the Tilt/Shift does a great job of blurring the random, but I’d like it really gone.
  • Unblurring. Often, when trying to take pictures of children, because they are constantly in motion, you end up with blurry pictures — surely, Instagram can come up with a filter that will deblurrify.
  • Good Hairirator. This might not apply to me, as I have the most perfect hair of all time, but I’ve seen pictures with great smiles that people don’t like, because their hair just wasn’t right . . . surely, there must be a filter to make “blah” hair fabulous.
  • Just Had Sex Smile Maker. Even for the best of us, sometimes we need to force a smile — if I’m looking at a picture of myself, I can always tell when a smile was natural and when a smile was forced. So, naturally, Instagram should come up with a “just had a mind-blowing orgasm” filter, so that every smile seems natural.
  • Liquor Enhancer. When I take pictures of whatever I’m drinking, it sure would be great if Instagram could make the cheap-ass boxed wine I’m drinking look like a 97 point Cabernet.
  • Plastic Surgify. I just wrote, yesterday, about my self-image. And while Social Media has taught us that a self-picture is always best if you’re facing up & the camera is facing down, as it makes you look slimmer, it sure would be better if Instagram would just mind-meld with you & show you the way you think you should look.

Sir Shiny Scalp
I took this picture, this morning, because, well, the twitter rule said that I had to . . . but, with these simple software changes, every picture of me, with the Instagram updates, will look something similar to:
Jason Statham

(picture is of Jason Staham, taken from the Jason Statham Workout website)

A great big thank-you to Gigi of Kludgy Mom for the idea for this post.

1 You should feel very sorry for my sister-in-law. She likes to come over & visit the kids around dinnertime . . . only, well, dinnertime is soon followed by bath time, because I have toddlers, and toddlers are nothing, if not horribly messy eaters. So, I round up the kids, after they’re done playing with their food eating and chisel off dried ketchup bathe them. Only, I have two very rambunctious toddlers, and these rambunctious toddlers love bath time, which means splashing.

When I bathe them, I strip to my underwear, because, otherwise, I’d just be wearing wet clothing. But, on the days that my sister-in-law comes to visit, she’s usually off chatting with my wife, her sister, when I take the kids upstairs for their bath. Every bath, we start with business – get the kids clean. And then I let them play as I supervise and catch up on Twitter. It’s during this time, every time, that my sister in law comes in, to find two kids splashing about, as happy as can be . . . and me, in my skivvies, soaking wet.

2 While I’m completely ok with hundreds of active notifications on my phone, between unread emails and unread text messages and unread tweets and unread Facebook notifications, I cannot leave notifications from the App Store, notifying me of updates, unchecked.
3 You’d think we would chat, typically, about writing, and making the website better, and increasing our readership, but it’s usually marveling about what kind of trouble that Curious George has gotten into, and wondering where the heck the day went, and who is creating laundry, and how cute our kids are
  1. I love it.

    Especially the just-had-sex smile maker! LOL!

    So, I still don’t understand tilt shift and how it works and it sounds like maybe I need to figure that out. It blurs stuff you want blurred?????? Because there is always a trash can in my backgrounds.

    • Tilt & Shift is actually pretty simple — basically, you choose either a circle or a bar to highlight (you have to play around to get just the right area to be highlighted), and then it puts the rest of the image out-of-focus, so you’re forced to concentrate on the face, or the yummy yummy glass of wine that you’re holding in front of you.

  2. I’d leave a comment about absolutely anything else, but now all I can think about is Jason Statham. Which makes sense, as it was only a few posts ago you called me a pervert. (As least, I’m assuming, since I didn’t fit into any of the other categories!)

    • Yeah, I left a lot of readers off of my category list in the HTML post . . . though, I think the jury is still out on whether or not Megan is a pervert. What if I added theater-lover? Because I know that would work.

      I’m happy to put the image of a sexy man in your head, and then to tie my own self to said sexy image in your head.

      • It really is a brilliant self-promotion strategy, as I’m quite likely now to mention you and your blog to all my friends the next time Jason Statham comes up. Which will be soon, as we like to play the game It Should Have Been Statham, in which we discuss how much better the movie we just watched would have been had it starred Jason Statham.

        We’re a fun group to be around.

        • I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again . . . I’d pay cash money to be around you & your friends. You guys sound like you’re always having a blast 🙂

  3. Yes. I want every one of those filters!

  4. I would like some of these filters. Especially the zit remover.

    • I remember, for my senior photo in high school, having a big fight with my parents because I wanted to pay for airbrushing.

      Zits are horrible, evil things. And the fuckers hurt on top of being overly obvious.

  5. I do not have an Iphone. No instagram. No fun. And I’m beginning to have a hate/HATE/HATE!!!!!!!!! relationship with my blackberry, which is making the siren song of the iphone get louder.

    That being said, IF I had an iphone and instagram, I’d clearly be having as much fun as the rest of you awesome people.


    • I will admit that I was a tentative recruit to the iPhone . . . but, it’s won me over, completely.

      I used to be a blackberry guy – but I’d have a hard time going back, now. But, I’d give serious thoughts to an Android, if I had to replace the iPhone now.

      Hopefully, you get to enjoy most of what I use the iPhone for, as I put the Instagram feed on my blog.

  6. is it weird that I never ever take pics with my phone? never.

    and I don’t play games on my phone. on my nook, yes. phone, no.

    phones are for texting and checking fb and twitter when i absolutely cannot do it on my laptop.

    oh and once I called someone. I think.

    • It’s funny, because “a phone” is probably near the bottom of the list of the things that I need my phone to do.

      I used to not care about any of the extras . . . “a mobile phone is an emergency device,” but now, it’s a combination communicator, pager, phone, camera, and entertainment system for me.

      That said, I still prefer my laptop to the phone — but, that’s obviously not nearly as portable.

      I never, ever thought I’d be the guy to pull out his camera phone all of the time . . . but, yeah, I’m that guy. And with the iPhone, with the 2nd camera on the top, taking those whorish self-photos is so damn easy.

  7. I would like the traffic infrastructure remover filter because sometimes when I’m driving I see a GORGEOUS photo and then see it on my phone and realize that there are traffic lights and jersey barriers in the photo.
    Love the rest tho!

    • Ooh, that’s a truly great idea — and I’ve thrown out no small share of landscape photos because it looked like I was taking a picture of a traffic light instead.

      Heck, half of my #RAGBRAI pictures were kind-of like that.

  8. My hubby uses Hipstamatic – sounds very similar. You can actually make the photos look like they’ve been on the fridge for 30 years. But I LOVE the declutter idea! Especially if I could just whip out my iPhone and my house would be clean. Someone can come up with an app for that.

    • I’m pretty sure Siri, in the iPhone 5, is going to clean for us. If it’s not, I might have to, again, wait for another iPhone release before I upgrade.

      • That would be RAD! I have a crusty ol’ 3G, so I can hardly wait for the 5. It’s gonna seem like a miracle.

        • I ended up upgrading from the 3G to the 4 because of a failing phone, and the difference was incredible.

  9. You could just clean up the clutter. It is possible.

  10. I want a nice phone.

    Mine is just a flip phone and here for emergencies.

    But I could have a lot of fun with this…

    • I could see you as a person who would enjoy a fun phone. I used to be in the “phone for emergencies” camp, but I’m not there anymore.

  11. I giant puffy heart Instagram too but you already knew that! Just had sex smile marker would be awesome LOL!!!

    • I did know that . . . your food & wine pictures always, always make me drool . . . which is, funnily enough, kind of what I’d look like with the “just had sex” smile maker.

  12. No iPhone, no Instagram, but if I had them, I’d wholly approve. And thanks for making us sound so tame on Skype. No one needs to know about the sex, shopping, TMI, caustic bitchery, and snark over there.

    • But the sex, shopping, TMI, caustic bitchery, and (especially the) snark are why I want to spend more time on Skype! It’s what makes our group work, and the world go round.

  13. Glad I’m not the only one without an Iphone. I need it though, that picture is hot John…but you know I have a thing for bald guys.

    • Of course the picture is hot, Poppy – it’s a picture of me 🙂

      I’m still coming to grips with “being bald,” but I kind of like it so far. It’s a little frightening how much faster “the ring” grows back as compared to “the crown”.

  14. I am still waiting for my iphone… someday. Sigh.

    • They’re fun, I won’t deny it — but the’re not “a need.” At least, for me, it’s not, truly “a need.”

      But, like caffeine, I go through some pretty serious withdrawal if I’m ever forced to go without it.

  15. HAHA! You are so awesome. I’d go out and buy an iPhone this very moment if your changes were incorporated.

    Also? Let’s play WWF! Hopefully my phone will be up and running shortly, but my username is jessesco.

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