Throwback Thursday: Midget Porn!

Thursdays around here will henceforth be known as Throwback Thursdays, when I write about stuff that happened to me long ago… today’s installment? My introduction to Midget Porn.

When I started college, they locked me in the basement. Kind of.

I lived in the basement of Ober dormitory at Elizabethtown College for my first three years. These were standard dorm rooms – but the basement, well, apparently, it had a reputation. The only reasons I can think of why I was placed in a high-demand dorm room right off the bat are:

1. One of my entrance interviews was with somebody in student housing and she thought I was cute
2. They were eager to change the reputation of the Ober basement, so they put in a “good guy” (little did they know)
3. I accepted my entrance to Elizabethtown College, having had my letters of recommendation written by instructors at the school

Whatever the reason, I was placed in the basement & lived there for three years. I greatly enjoyed it, and (this will be a shock to many of you) I barely got into any trouble during my tenure there.

We played a lot of Quake, and Doom, and any “blow each other up while hogging all of the college’s bandwidth” games that we could get our hands on. We played beer pong most every night (seriously, my second semester of college year might demand its own blog post – whenever I question whether or not I might be an alcoholic, I think back about how much I was drinking then to put things in perspective). We’d take over the kitchen/laundry room and cook vast quantities of spaghetti at 4AM. We had fun & we lived as brothers – but we did not do “hall activities.” It really wasn’t uncommon for one of my fairer-sexed friends to talk about some outing she went on with her hallmates, or how she & her hallmates painted the floor they lived on – at first, I thought it was downright weird that everybody on a hall would just choose to up & go apple picking, but then I found out that it was college sponsored. Each floor had an Resident Advisor, and that RA had a budget for “approved activities.” I’m not sure what happened to my hall’s money for the first two years I lived on it, but I’d speculate that the RA simply pocketed it.

Junior year, though, things changed up a bit. About midway through the year, the RA broke up with his girlfriend, failed to complete a project on time (and the professor originally wouldn’t take it late), and basically saw his personal life crumble. He had a bit of a breakdown.

The RA from the floor above us, a fairer-sexed floor, took pity on us and took us under her wing. This meant we did activities, with the money budgeted to us (because, half way through the year, not a dime had been spent). We went mini-golfing for physical fitness. We had a roundtable discussion about “alcohol awareness” (turns out, we were all quite aware of alcohol). We had “Pizza and Porn” night. I’m really not sure how it came about, but there was a task for “education” and “sex education” seemed about right, and we had just enough money for four large pizzas and a rental from the skeezy video rental place.

Junior year ended, but “Pizza and Porn” night didn’t. Senior year saw me move into a campus townhouse, and we had regular “Pizza and Porn” nights with two of the other townhouses (inhabited by fairer-sexed individuals). And while the “let’s invite a bunch of chicks over to watch movies with people having sex” seems like it would have come from my mouth, it was actually a girl who started it. Rumors of the first “Pizza & Porn” night were about, and one of the girls decided they were going to throw one for their house. The only thing is is the VHS they rented was from Blockbuster, and “sexual stuff wasn’t very educational” was the phrase I believe she used to describe that showing. We showed her the seedier video rental place and decided to host the next one.

Rules for Pizza & Porn were simple: first weekend of the month, the house that hosts the event doesn’t have to buy pizza or beer, but has to supply the porn. These were fun.

One night we went to one of the girls’ townhouses, popped in the porn to find that it was in Czech. Somehow, in the “just grab a title” engagement, a title for a foreign movie was chosen. We watched it in a “Mystery Science Theater 3k”-type fashion, and it was actually quite fun.

However, we left that same girl in charge of picking the porn for the next night . . . and she came back with midget porn.

Sometimes, you need to watch the trainwreck. Midgets having sex with midgets. Midgets having sex with fat people. Midgets having sex with what appeared to be normal people, but that was after watching midgets fucking midgets and fat people, so they may have been hunchbacks. I just don’t know.

We never let her pick the porn again.