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Where I sit back and let the crazy fly

by John on March 23rd, 2012
  • Pollen can suck a bag of dicks. Seriously – I haven’t felt right for the past two weeks, and I’m fully blaming allergies.
  • My band (with the rhythm guitarist who does not have cancer after all, thank heavens) has a gig on Saturday night — our practices have been really good as of late, so I’m stupidly optimistic about a perfect evening, with a large & lively crowd that is dancing all night.
  • My daughter managed to stay awake until well past 11 last night. Seriously, she’s some kind of sleep-avoidance ninja, when she puts her mind to it.
  • I really fear that my son is a milk addict. Are there support groups? I’d seriously take a pacifier obsession over the “wake up at 3 in the morning and beg for milk” routine that he’s currently giving us.
  • Back to the first bullet point – I haven’t run in a week because I have to work to breathe, and that’s no fun at all. I need to get out and run. Shortly. I feel like there are lives at stake.
  • I really think, if I were to do it all over again, I’d be a physical therapist / massage therapist / physical trainer. Maybe someday I can look into the schooling for the first of those — I just feel like I should be doing more good and working with my passions more than I’m doing right now.
  • As we approach the end of Lent, we also approach the end of #InappropritateChurchTweet theater season, and I’m glad for the ending this time, just because I’m out of material. There are only so many ways you can actually make the same dick jokes over & over again.
  • Also, with the end of Lent comes the festival of meat known as Greek Easter. When I was a vegetarian, this was the one day that I absolved myself of my non-meat-eating-ways, because there is absolutely no hope of eating vegetarian at a Greek Easter celebration. No hope at all. Even if you can live on feta cheese, alone.
  • I’ve successfully taken CJ out on several rides in the bike trailer — and he’s been keeping his helmet on. Leila, on the other hand, fights the helmet as soon as you put it on, and struggles with it until the end of the ride. I really, really hope she outgrows this, because I’m picturing some pretty epic rides in the future.
  • We went to the circus last week with some new friends, and the kids loved it. L-O-V-E-D.
  • CJ’s new obsession is to visit the “gucks.” There is a pond that is adjacent to my property, and two ducks just built their nest for the season. Soon, I anticipate seeing ducklings. But, in this pond, there are STOSS’s (Snapping Turtles Of Sufficient Size), so I don’t know if using the ducklings to play counting games is a good thing.
  • CJ has actually asked to use the potty on several occasions, and there are times that he’s gone. This makes me terribly excited. Leila, of course, asks to use the potty when she sees her brother using it . . . but, as soon as you sit her on it, it’s torture.
  • Also torturous for Leila? Wearing clothing. Of any sort.
  • I’m starting to think my habit of dealing with household tasks wearing whatever I happen to be wearing when I notice the tasks needs to be done1 is going to come back to bite me. However, I believe my kids are going to grow up with healthier body-images than some others.
  • I really, really want to start on my sleeve tattoo, right now. Why does it seem that my tattoo desire increases when my personal time & bank account are most impacted?

  • 1 This is code for the fact that I’m nude, or nearly nude, often in the house. THis includes taking out the trash — fortunately, I’m usually taking the trash out between 4 & 5 in the morning, so as to not scare the neighbors.
  1. Points 3, 4, 12, 13, 14, & 15 are basically written about me, right?

    • You haven’t figured out that everything I write is about you yet?

  2. Allergies: yes me too. Blegh.
    No cancer? Awesome
    milk addicts like my daughter turn into non dairy eating teenagers that require other sources of calcium and vitamin D. I don’t know why.
    nekid? around the house? I might scare a mirror. and myself. Seriously, my body image has dropped to an all time low. I need to get some exercise and sleep.
    Then we can get our tattoos.

    • I’m worried about a change from “milk addict” to “avoids diary.” Is your daughter vegan, or does she just not like milk products? And, seriously, she doesn’t eat cheese? Cheese is part of my happy place.

      I’ll admit that, since I’ve actually been focusing on working out, I’m holding off on the tattoo because I want a sleeve tattoo placed on an arm that I’m proud of . . . and I’m not quite there yet. But, I’m working on it.

  3. I want an iPad. You want a tattoo. Let’s just put them on the credit card. Then we can never die because we will owe our souls to the company sto’.

    • Well, I’m pretty sure the world is ending on December 21, 2012 . . . so, let’s buy a Ron Swanson whittled flute along with the iPad & tattoo.

  4. x I bet pollen would like that. So I’ve heard.
    x Go rock out with your cock out (see point #1)
    x Our daughters could start a club
    x Mad is STILL nocturnally dairy obsessed
    x I understand this would also hinder sucking that bag of …
    x SAME BOAT, my friend..though we’d get in trouble for talking in class
    x SAY IT ISNT SO #nevertoomuchdick ….jokes.
    x I usually call Fleet week the festival of meat. But you can keep the greek meat. pee yew.
    x Can I have just HALF of your strength. Seriously, 2 kids? I can’t fathom.
    x when they have a clown as a dad, how could they not?
    x yeah for boys peeing in potties!
    x she and The Dude can start a nudist colony.
    x please, no images of you opening a jar of mayonnaise. no wait, you make your own, um, a jar of something else. seriously DON’T DO IT!
    x patience is a virtue and a stuck up bitch that doesnt share her secret.

    • I can only imagine what you’d be like in the middle of Fleet Week.

      I actually think you’re far stronger than I am, pound for pound. Only, well, I have a lot of pounds behind me. And remember that a body in motion tends to stay in motion, so the trick to towing two kids while cycling (or pushing two kids while running) is just to get going, the rest is easy. Assuming you avoid hills.

  5. Are you Greek? We’ll be celebrating Greek Orthodox Easter, I mean the “festival of meat,” at our place this year. I’ll save you a seat!

    • My wife’s family is Greek, and I’m so looking forward to the festival of meat — it’s at my wife’s Godmother’s house. They start the lamb on the spit right after church lets out.

  6. The pollen is killing me down here.

    Seriously. Send help.

    • If I could, I would….I don’t understand why, as I get older, my body reacts worse and worse to pollen.

  7. My youngest has issues with those darn clothes also. Must be nice to be young and not have to worry about those pesky things such as pants. 😉 Pollen can suck that bag of dicks. Then it can choke on them. Hope you get some sort of relief soon.

  8. I’m wondering if your child’s distaste for clothing stems from your note at the bottom….

  9. When you find more information on the milk addicts group let me know…. I have a 2 year old that needs some help too.

    • It’s getting to the point of absurdity in my house — once either kid wakes up in the middle of the night, they demand milk. Sometimes, this means that they fall back asleep before too long, but every now & then, they’ll demand milk right then and threaten to wake the other kid.

  10. The pollen. Brutal. Everything looks beautiful, but all of this growing, blooming stuff is trying to kill us!

    And I’d like to be a physical therapist, too. Except I don’t really want to go back to school right now. This is an issue. But I haven’t completely ruled it out.

    • It it weren’t for the time & money of going back to school, I’d change careers today. Seriously.

      And, I think, that means that I need to do this. I just don’t know when.

  11. Pollen. Is. Stupid. Same here. And I think you mean gucklings…have fun at the Saturday gig. I’m jealous!

    • The gig was really a great time, but sparsely attended. It sucks to play your heart out & have only a few people there to see, but those people who were there loved it.

      I love playing live shows.

      • Ah man… That does suck. Speaking as a repressed singer, though, I’m still jealous. Glad you had a good time and appreciative (albeit small) audience.

  12. Look, don’t even get me started on potty training. I am so over it.

    That being said, I need to get my kids to a circus. If only for the cotton candy.

    • Mmmmmm, cotton candy. Every Thursday, I go to a Chinese buffet with my wife & kids, and I let CJ pick out the ice cream flavor (anything but chocolate), and he chose cotton candy ice cream last time. I barely got a bite.

      About the potty training . . . I’m kind of digging that CJ is actually pushing for it, because I’m so not ready to actually push a kid to using the potty.

  13. I hope you’re feeling better, got in a run, and that your band kicked ASS on Saturday night.

    Yay, meat!

    (Or something like that…)

    • You know, the band did kick ass on Saturday night – but there wasn’t all that much of a crowd. Still fun, though.

      And yes, yay meat 🙂

  14. Jani permalink

    This blog was read aloud in my break room today and elicited laughed from everyone, we just loved it.

    ie: keep up the break room blogs lol

  15. My oldest used to drink so much milk she didn’t eat. At all. It was like weaning a crack addict off of crack. Long, slow and painful. We all survived though, thank goodness.

    • Both of mine, if given the choice between milk & food, will choose milk.

      When I’m the solo parent, I try to ignore the fact that milk even exists . . . I do this to varying success, depending on the availability of cookies and/or Elmo on TV.

  16. suck a bag of dicks – almost better than sucks monkey balls. 🙂 And YEAH to no cancer! If I didn’t think you were awesome already? The Princess Bride reference would have launched you into the realm of awesomeness.

    • Hey, I wear my geek badge proudly, and the six-fingered glove is prominent in that badge 🙂

      I love the Princess Bride.

  17. With you on the pollen. Particularly because I spent $90 yesterday to haul my ass dragging pound puppy to the vet to determine why she’s worrying her butt hole bloody and they said she’s got hayfever, of the anus. Or something. Something extremely annoying. She’s on antihistamines now and I swear if she ever drags her hole across my carpet that way again I will not be held accountable for what I do. Which would probably involve screaming at my children and my husband because I like to use them as scapegoats for tons of stuff. I’m a sad human who is now going slightly insane after having to sink my latte budget for the month into my dog’s inflamed rectum. Throw a dick in that bag for me, kay?

    • Oh, momma — yeah, I hear your pain there. That just sounds excruciating, in the wallet, in the heart, in the stabby senses. Ouch — I really hope the dog is feeling better . . . I love my pets, but I don’t know if I’d be able to deal with a dog with hayfever of the anus.

  18. my kid is opposed to clothing right now too … it’s a daily fight to get her clothed to pick the older kids up from school.

    also, comment above from the hilarious Dumb Mom — I died of laughter thanks to you 🙂

    • I’m trying all of the parent tricks to get her dressed…let her pick the outfit, promise her riches & prizes & milk if she helps me get her dressed, pin her down and forcefully clothe her . . . none of them work.

  19. YES to working more in your passions! Yes yes yes!

    How was the gig!!!!

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