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Where I get older

by John on October 9th, 2014
  • I shave my head. I do this not because it’s the “cool thing to do1,” but because I chose a preemptive strike against male pattern baldness. Also, I suffered from horrible scalpne and “letting my scalp breathe” appears to have fixed things.
  • My beard is speckled with white. Lots and lots and lots of white. When I trim my beard, those white hairs stick straight out – this means that, if the light hits me the right way, my beard always looks wet, with droplets of water sparkling in the light.
  • If I have a cold, I feel hungover.
  • If I have an actual hangover, I feel like death.
  • I do not need to drink to the point of “drunk” to achieve a hangover the next day.
  • If I do drink to the point where I get “drunk,” the hangover last for days. And since this is a real hangover, I feel like death for days.
  • I actually lift with my knees because I live in constant danger of throwing my back out.
  • Sometimes, when I sneeze, I feel like, had the exhale been the slightest-bit more explosive, my back would crumble to bits.
  • I always keep a tube of chap stick on me.
  • If I dream at night, I dream that I’m napping. Apparently, my subconscious knows that naps are not for me.
  • I can tell you all about the various types of life insurance, and why I have two distinct life-insurance plans for myself.
  • My body does not allow me to sleep past 6am. If my children sleep past 6am, and I don’t need to be up, I won’t get out of bed, but I’ll be wide awake, sitting in bed, wishing I could sleep.
  • I’ve chosen to sleep over having sex.
  • Sugary cereals & pop-tarts hold, absolutely, zero appeal to me.
  • I want to eat my broccoli.
  • I find whatever excuses I can make to include “reading more” in my life.
  • I actively add to the list of shit that I need to get done around the house.
  • Often, I chose to listen to classical music. I do not have any take on the pulse of the modern music scene. I used to watch the Grammys, just to listen to the most acclaimed music of the past year, but even that confuses me.
  • I can’t tell you the last time I’ve seen a movie that was nominated for the “Best Picture” Oscar.
  • I can no longer just “go out and run” or “play a pickup game of basketball” or anything like that — the task must be scheduled, and I need to plan the rest of my day, accordingly, to ensure that I don’t crash before my kids that night2
  • I stretch after I exercise. If I don’t, I’m sorry the next day, and, commonly, for days.
  • I actually care about to what uses my tax dollars are put.
  • I’ll choose to watch the news over a sitcom or cartoon3

  • 1 Little about me is cool, unless I’m walking Benjie and it’s between 45 and 60 degrees, when all of me is cool.
    2 I will still crash before my kids fall asleep.
    3&Nbsp;Mind you, I prefer to have my news delivered by Jon Stewart
  1. … oh my gods… this means I’m old, too!

  2. We can start coloring the beard…. I do my hair after all.

    • I’ve kind of come to grips that it’s just going to be what it’s going to be . . . besides, I get to pretend that I’m slowly turning into Sean Connery.

  3. I could have written this myself. Except for the up at 6am thing. That’s whack.

    I’ve been cutting my husband’s hair for almost 10 years, and I used to pluck out those stubborn gray ones because they stuck out so badly. Now there’s just too many, so I call him “distinguished” and brag about how I can still yank mine out.

    • Oh, it’s not 6am – it’s 5am.

      I’ve long given up any semblances of my sanity.

  4. Lol. Sleep over sex.

    I saw part of the MTV music awards and was so lost.

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