You can file this under the “no shit” category, but I haven’t been posting much lately. Unlike most of my blogging dry-spells, though, this isn’t because of lack of ideas. Between my kids, and my pets, and my job, and my diet & workout regimen, and my music, and my “Johnness,” and Lance Armstrong, I have ideas aplenty.
I can blame a lack of time . . . and that would certainly be appropriate. But that’s not really it, either — I type fast, and, despite being busy, my thoughts have been strangely organized. I can churn out a post in just a few minutes, if I just focus on it.
What’s been missing is my swagger. Like Austin Powers needs his mojo, and Peter Pan needs his shadow, there is a self-confidence that I need in order to be “me,” and that’s just been hiding.
I’m not really sure what’s eaten it, though. Toward the end of last year, I lost a little of my momentum working out . . . and the more I’m moving, the more my swagger grows. Toward the end of last year, I stopped caring about what I was eating and I stopped caring about how much I was drinking. And, the better I look in the mirror, the more my swagger grows (here’s a little secret: despite my continuous self-portraits on Instagram, I do not consider believe myself to be especially attractive1).
Last week, though – I was at a work function, and something clicked (it could have been a wine-fueled click, but I’ll chose to think it was just a “break out of my shell moment,” despite the tasty, tasty wine). Suddenly, I felt like I could do anything. I remembered the feeling that I had when I first decided that I was going to run a marathon. I remembered the way I feel after a late night gig, where physical exhaustion is no match for the adrenaline rush of watching people enjoy themselves because of the music I’ve been playing. I remembered the way I feel, during a workout, when I push through the “this is stupid, why don’t I just quit” stage and something deep inside of me takes over, bringing about the “the longer and harder you go, the better you’ll be in the long run” time.
Simply, I felt a swagger in me that has been dormant for quite some time.
I still have exhaustion — I wake up in the morning, and I workout. Working out is great for my mind, but leads to me being physically exhausted. I then get ready for work, and then work, which leaves me mentally exhausted. Then I head home and parent, which brings about rewards and exhaustion and frustration and joy of new heights. Somewhere, in all of that, my swagger has been suppressed.
But I feel it’s working its way out. Despite work frustrations, despite a neverending schedule, despite endless commitments, I’m feeling a bit more “John-like.” It’s a fantastic feeling.
Glad you are starting to feel more like you!
I always feel a bit of a slump around this time of year.
I’m starting to realize that I do, too — the short days & generally dreary weather just don’t equate well for me. I’d call it “seasonal effectiveness,” but I don’t think that’s truly it. There’s the low from after the holidays thrown in.
it’s called SAD, seaonal affective disorder. you need vitamin d.
Lately I have also been battling with this, and for the first time in many years I’m feeling more like me and your right it is a very free feeling! Get up each day and do what you need to do! One step at a time. 🙂
Yes, one step at a time, but also knowing that you’re working toward a goal . . . so a step backward isn’t anything to worry about, either.
Glad you are feeling much better these days xxx
Thank you, witchy 🙂
Where the eff is that swagger hiding? Probably where mine is hiding too. I can sometimes be funny. I swear to god. But lately, nicht. Nein. Nada. Non.
I think it’s the unrelenting work schedule followed by raising two teenagers. I find myself exhausted and too tired to put together a sentence. I think about the sentences. All of the wonderful sentences I could be stringing together. But usually I am driving. The other day I wrote something pretty cool on a scratch paper in my car in a parking lot. And now I can’t find it.
And there you have, my genius was tossed out with old Starbucks cups, gum wrappers and receipts.
I wouldn’t be surprised if your swagger & my swagger ran way together. My swagger has been a big fan of yours for a long time.
I don’t even have the option of writing something down because, well, I can seldom read my own handwriting.
I WANT MY LANCE ARMSTRONG POST AND I WANT IT NOW! Okay, sorry, that was too intense. But, really, I’m quite intrigued by whatever you have to say!
I know exactly what you’re talking about! I still work out regularly because I’vd paid personal trainers tons of $$, so I have to go. A good strategy. But my eating and drinking habits have not been good. And though I say I really don’t care, I’m not very happy with the scale either. I figure once the weather improves to where I can take my regular morning walks, all will be good again. In the meantime, bring on the Guinness and wine!