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Where I think about my swagger

by John on January 25th, 2013

You can file this under the “no shit” category, but I haven’t been posting much lately. Unlike most of my blogging dry-spells, though, this isn’t because of lack of ideas. Between my kids, and my pets, and my job, and my diet & workout regimen, and my music, and my “Johnness,” and Lance Armstrong, I have ideas aplenty.

I can blame a lack of time . . . and that would certainly be appropriate. But that’s not really it, either — I type fast, and, despite being busy, my thoughts have been strangely organized. I can churn out a post in just a few minutes, if I just focus on it.

What’s been missing is my swagger. Like Austin Powers needs his mojo, and Peter Pan needs his shadow, there is a self-confidence that I need in order to be “me,” and that’s just been hiding.

I’m not really sure what’s eaten it, though. Toward the end of last year, I lost a little of my momentum working out . . . and the more I’m moving, the more my swagger grows. Toward the end of last year, I stopped caring about what I was eating and I stopped caring about how much I was drinking. And, the better I look in the mirror, the more my swagger grows (here’s a little secret: despite my continuous self-portraits on Instagram, I do not consider believe myself to be especially attractive1).

Last week, though – I was at a work function, and something clicked (it could have been a wine-fueled click, but I’ll chose to think it was just a “break out of my shell moment,” despite the tasty, tasty wine). Suddenly, I felt like I could do anything. I remembered the feeling that I had when I first decided that I was going to run a marathon. I remembered the way I feel after a late night gig, where physical exhaustion is no match for the adrenaline rush of watching people enjoy themselves because of the music I’ve been playing. I remembered the way I feel, during a workout, when I push through the “this is stupid, why don’t I just quit” stage and something deep inside of me takes over, bringing about the “the longer and harder you go, the better you’ll be in the long run” time.

Simply, I felt a swagger in me that has been dormant for quite some time.

I still have exhaustion — I wake up in the morning, and I workout. Working out is great for my mind, but leads to me being physically exhausted. I then get ready for work, and then work, which leaves me mentally exhausted. Then I head home and parent, which brings about rewards and exhaustion and frustration and joy of new heights. Somewhere, in all of that, my swagger has been suppressed.

But I feel it’s working its way out. Despite work frustrations, despite a neverending schedule, despite endless commitments, I’m feeling a bit more “John-like.” It’s a fantastic feeling.


1 Except for my hands and my legs . . . they’re amazeballs.
11 Comments
  1. Glad you are starting to feel more like you!

    I always feel a bit of a slump around this time of year.

    • I’m starting to realize that I do, too — the short days & generally dreary weather just don’t equate well for me. I’d call it “seasonal effectiveness,” but I don’t think that’s truly it. There’s the low from after the holidays thrown in.

  2. Tara permalink

    Lately I have also been battling with this, and for the first time in many years I’m feeling more like me and your right it is a very free feeling! Get up each day and do what you need to do! One step at a time. 🙂

    • Yes, one step at a time, but also knowing that you’re working toward a goal . . . so a step backward isn’t anything to worry about, either.

  3. MargitaLily permalink

    Glad you are feeling much better these days xxx

  4. Where the eff is that swagger hiding? Probably where mine is hiding too. I can sometimes be funny. I swear to god. But lately, nicht. Nein. Nada. Non.

    I think it’s the unrelenting work schedule followed by raising two teenagers. I find myself exhausted and too tired to put together a sentence. I think about the sentences. All of the wonderful sentences I could be stringing together. But usually I am driving. The other day I wrote something pretty cool on a scratch paper in my car in a parking lot. And now I can’t find it.

    And there you have, my genius was tossed out with old Starbucks cups, gum wrappers and receipts.

    • I wouldn’t be surprised if your swagger & my swagger ran way together. My swagger has been a big fan of yours for a long time.

      I don’t even have the option of writing something down because, well, I can seldom read my own handwriting.

  5. I WANT MY LANCE ARMSTRONG POST AND I WANT IT NOW! Okay, sorry, that was too intense. But, really, I’m quite intrigued by whatever you have to say!

  6. Laura permalink

    I know exactly what you’re talking about! I still work out regularly because I’vd paid personal trainers tons of $$, so I have to go. A good strategy. But my eating and drinking habits have not been good. And though I say I really don’t care, I’m not very happy with the scale either. I figure once the weather improves to where I can take my regular morning walks, all will be good again. In the meantime, bring on the Guinness and wine!

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