Where I think about my swagger
You can file this under the “no shit” category, but I haven’t been posting much lately. Unlike most of my blogging dry-spells, though, this isn’t because of lack of ideas. Between my kids, and my pets, and my job, and my diet & workout regimen, and my music, and my “Johnness,” and Lance Armstrong, I have ideas aplenty.
I can blame a lack of time . . . and that would certainly be appropriate. But that’s not really it, either — I type fast, and, despite being busy, my thoughts have been strangely organized. I can churn out a post in just a few minutes, if I just focus on it.
What’s been missing is my swagger. Like Austin Powers needs his mojo, and Peter Pan needs his shadow, there is a self-confidence that I need in order to be “me,” and that’s just been hiding.
I’m not really sure what’s eaten it, though. Toward the end of last year, I lost a little of my momentum working out . . . and the more I’m moving, the more my swagger grows. Toward the end of last year, I stopped caring about what I was eating and I stopped caring about how much I was drinking. And, the better I look in the mirror, the more my swagger grows (here’s a little secret: despite my continuous self-portraits on Instagram, I do not consider believe myself to be especially attractive1).
Last week, though – I was at a work function, and something clicked (it could have been a wine-fueled click, but I’ll chose to think it was just a “break out of my shell moment,” despite the tasty, tasty wine). Suddenly, I felt like I could do anything. I remembered the feeling that I had when I first decided that I was going to run a marathon. I remembered the way I feel after a late night gig, where physical exhaustion is no match for the adrenaline rush of watching people enjoy themselves because of the music I’ve been playing. I remembered the way I feel, during a workout, when I push through the “this is stupid, why don’t I just quit” stage and something deep inside of me takes over, bringing about the “the longer and harder you go, the better you’ll be in the long run” time.
Simply, I felt a swagger in me that has been dormant for quite some time.
I still have exhaustion — I wake up in the morning, and I workout. Working out is great for my mind, but leads to me being physically exhausted. I then get ready for work, and then work, which leaves me mentally exhausted. Then I head home and parent, which brings about rewards and exhaustion and frustration and joy of new heights. Somewhere, in all of that, my swagger has been suppressed.
But I feel it’s working its way out. Despite work frustrations, despite a neverending schedule, despite endless commitments, I’m feeling a bit more “John-like.” It’s a fantastic feeling.